i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
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