Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
