I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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