I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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