**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
