yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
this boner is exhausting
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
