we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
only you would photoshop your dick
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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