i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
