my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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