Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
