I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
