Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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