Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
