At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
And then my night got REAL pukey
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
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