I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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