I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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