I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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