I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
