You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
