when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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