I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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