we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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