70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
