There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
