he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize