One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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