I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
