Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize