I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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