Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We left the knife in your bed.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
