Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
