i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
