i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
