Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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