Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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