Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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