I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
