I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
