when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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