Your face is a jimmy john
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
