Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
it's like heaven, but drunker
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
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