Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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