EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
