Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
