you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
