just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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