In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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