Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
It's just like the Real World with babies
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
