I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
me + whiskey = a bad person
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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