6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
