That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
