Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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