I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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