Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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