theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
