do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
