Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
