New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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