I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
