i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize