something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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