hell yes lets make some ravioli
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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