So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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