life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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