i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
