I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize