possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
