I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
In America we eat man semen.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
