I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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