Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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