.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize