here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You may now shotgun with the bride
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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