I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
