If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
